there’s this little thing that has been on my mind
for some amount of years, i lost track of the time
it's hardly worth mentioning
it’s just this feeling
that i’m not what people think i am
and i don’t know why no one can see me
i’m afraid it’s too late to admit
i've been lying all along
by neglecting to correct assumptions that were wrong
how cowardly of me
i wish i knew what would feel like honesty
i’ve been discovering a language for it recently
all kinds of words to try on
but it’s hard to describe an elusive identity
there are so many things that confuse me
like what makes someone a girl
and why does everyone call me that
and what sets me apart from those who wish to embrace
words that make me feel erased
maybe the main difference is that i don’t feel the same
it’s an alienation that’s hard to explain

i’ve got some little memories
that visit every day
the subtlest suggestions of what is and isn’t okay
what results in compliments
whose appearance is ignored
who gets to be noticed
and who can even hope to be adored?
who is the butt of the joke
what made the children laugh?
what was so damn funny?
i heard somebody say “it’s pat”
who would want to be like that?
i hid the pictures and grew my hair
tried to leave it in the past
until some point i realized
i had lost something that i wanted back
a clarity creeping in, only to be muted again
at times I’d try to tell a friend
but no one seemed to understand
that i wasn’t putting myself down
when i spoke of my androgyny
i didn’t think it was a shortcoming
what i meant was authenticity